Communication
Love in a marriage sometimes fades, not so much from angry battles, sexual frustration, financial problems, or in-law difficulties, but because it exhausts itself trying to scale the wall of a communication failure. Those who take to learn the principles of effective communication will discover, as a result, a new dimension in their marriage. Most marriage counselors list communication difficulties as a major cause of marital difficulty, but it is not only a difficulty in itself-it often shows up as a symptom of wider, more disturbing problems.
An in-depth research amongst marriage guidance counselors where several hundred happily married couples were compared with the same number of unhappily married couples, came up with the following conclusions. The happily married couples (1) talked more to each other, (2) conveyed the feeling that they understood what was being said to them, (3) had a wider range of the conversational subjects, (4) showed sensitivity to the feelings of the other partner, and (5) sought to keep communication channels open. In my research, I'm tired of reading about people say they want to get a divorce because they can't work out their problems. In most cases the reason their marriage is in difficulty is because they are either too proud or too lazy to work on their problems. Divorce is not the way out that so many people think.
There is no doubt that the heart of the marriage is its communication system. Communication has been defined as "the process in which two people share both verbally and non-verbally in such a way that their message is accepted and understood". Communication in marriage consists of three components: talking, listening and understanding. Let's take them one by one.
The first component of communication is talking. No marriage can grow or develop unless the partners take time to talk to each other. If a married couple is extremely busy with a growing family, or business demands, they should allocate certain times of the day for the purpose of just talking together. These times should be seen as creative opportunities to share their thoughts and feelings with each other, for it is only in the sharing of thoughts and feelings that mutual respect, trust and love can flourish.
Talking involves the use of words, and words, as the Scriptures tell us, are immensely powerful: "The tongue has the power of life and death . . ." (Proverbs 18:21). Words can blister or they can bless: they can wound or they can heal. So pay attention to the words you speak. When God spoke in Genesis 1 He created a world, world of order and a world of beauty. When you speak you too create a world - a world of cosmos or a world of chaos. So choose your words carefully, remembering that harsh words hurt, gentle worlds heal.
The second component of communication is listening. Many marriage partners concentrates so much on getting their point across in a conversation that they fail to pay attention to cultivating the art of listening. An invaluable device in building good communication techniques, particularly when you are discussing a relationship problem, is to practice listening to your partners without interrupting. Then re-phrase your partner's statement and reflects it back. Your partner then has the opportunity to confirm that what you have heard is precisely what he or she intended to convey, or if not, a correction can then be made. Try it sometime. It takes discipline, but it can be a valuable tool in building good relationships.
Listening has been defines as "not thinking about what you are going to say when the other person has defined speaking." If you focus on what you are going to say rather than on what the other person is saying, you might miss the real import of the communication. Listening is concentrating so much on what the other person is saying that you become more conscious of them than you are of yourself.
The third component of communication is understanding. Try to understand not just what your partner is saying but why he or she is saying it. This does not mean that you have to play the game of "amateur psychologist" but seek to understand the context in which your partner makes decisions, or arrives at conclusions. For example, a woman I knew who used to get extremely irritated with her husband whenever he opposed her over buying even an inexpensive item for the home, was introduced to the concept of trying to understand why her husband acted in this way. One day she said to him "Darling, help me understand the difficulty you have in agreeing to buy small and necessary things for the home." The husband was taken aback for a moment but, with a little gently and genuinely loving persuasion, he began to share with her that having been brought up in an atmosphere of frugality he found it difficult to spend money on anything unless it was an absolute and understand why and how he felt that way, bearing in mind the circumstances under which he had been brought up, and that she would do her utmost in future to keep purchase to a minimum. Immediately the man felt his wife understood him he began to change. Within weeks his attitudes was completely different and, although he still had negative feelings about making purchases, in the atmosphere of loving acceptance given to him by his wife he surmounted his problem and, to a great extent overcame a lifelong difficult. It is absolutely amazing how people change when they know they are understood.
The first component of communication is talking. No marriage can grow or develop unless the partners take time to talk to each other. If a married couple is extremely busy with a growing family, or business demands, they should allocate certain times of the day for the purpose of just talking together. These times should be seen as creative opportunities to share their thoughts and feelings with each other, for it is only in the sharing of thoughts and feelings that mutual respect, trust and love can flourish.
Talking involves the use of words, and words, as the Scriptures tell us, are immensely powerful: "The tongue has the power of life and death . . ." (Proverbs 18:21). Words can blister or they can bless: they can wound or they can heal. So pay attention to the words you speak. When God spoke in Genesis 1 He created a world, world of order and a world of beauty. When you speak you too create a world - a world of cosmos or a world of chaos. So choose your words carefully, remembering that harsh words hurt, gentle worlds heal.
The second component of communication is listening. Many marriage partners concentrates so much on getting their point across in a conversation that they fail to pay attention to cultivating the art of listening. An invaluable device in building good communication techniques, particularly when you are discussing a relationship problem, is to practice listening to your partners without interrupting. Then re-phrase your partner's statement and reflects it back. Your partner then has the opportunity to confirm that what you have heard is precisely what he or she intended to convey, or if not, a correction can then be made. Try it sometime. It takes discipline, but it can be a valuable tool in building good relationships.
Listening has been defines as "not thinking about what you are going to say when the other person has defined speaking." If you focus on what you are going to say rather than on what the other person is saying, you might miss the real import of the communication. Listening is concentrating so much on what the other person is saying that you become more conscious of them than you are of yourself.
The third component of communication is understanding. Try to understand not just what your partner is saying but why he or she is saying it. This does not mean that you have to play the game of "amateur psychologist" but seek to understand the context in which your partner makes decisions, or arrives at conclusions. For example, a woman I knew who used to get extremely irritated with her husband whenever he opposed her over buying even an inexpensive item for the home, was introduced to the concept of trying to understand why her husband acted in this way. One day she said to him "Darling, help me understand the difficulty you have in agreeing to buy small and necessary things for the home." The husband was taken aback for a moment but, with a little gently and genuinely loving persuasion, he began to share with her that having been brought up in an atmosphere of frugality he found it difficult to spend money on anything unless it was an absolute and understand why and how he felt that way, bearing in mind the circumstances under which he had been brought up, and that she would do her utmost in future to keep purchase to a minimum. Immediately the man felt his wife understood him he began to change. Within weeks his attitudes was completely different and, although he still had negative feelings about making purchases, in the atmosphere of loving acceptance given to him by his wife he surmounted his problem and, to a great extent overcame a lifelong difficult. It is absolutely amazing how people change when they know they are understood.
Read More On Related Post
RSS Feed
