communication
Many reasons exist for the inability to communicate. Perhaps the most obvious is that most of us have never been taught effective communication skills. When we have never learned proper skills we continue to function in the ineffective ruts we create for ourselves.
Another reason couples fail to communicate adequately is they are afraid to share real thoughts and feelings with their mates. There is justification for such fear. Who hasn't opened up to a partner and been rebuffed? Some get hurt so badly they crawl permanently inside a shell and refuse to come out.
Another reason couples fail to communicate adequately is they are afraid to share real thoughts and feelings with their mates. There is justification for such fear. Who hasn't opened up to a partner and been rebuffed? Some get hurt so badly they crawl permanently inside a shell and refuse to come out.
Every conversation is influenced by the misunderstandings and unresolved problems from the past. The greater the hurt and anger from the past, the less likely the couple can continue to communicate without third-party intervention.
Learn Patterns From the Past
The manner in which you speak and listen today is affected by what you learned as a child when growing up. You carefully observed how family members talked, listened, and responded. You may have observed positive patterns such as respect, directness in asking for things, and cheerfulness - and you may have observed destructive patterns, such as hostility, mind reading, silent treatment, and yelling.
You began to experiment with what would for you, and you most likely carried these same patterns with you into your marriage. You may have learned to have what you consider to be quiet, respectful discussions. But this pattern of communication may not work well with a mate who learned to settle matters through loud negotiations and arguing.
Social Conditioning
Boys and girls also learn to communicate with their peers, especially between the ages of 5 and 15. Little girls play most frequently in pairs, with a series of "best friends." The relationship between the girls is solidified by private talk and sharing of secrets. The information isn't important, but the experience of sharing it with a best friend is. Little boys, on the other hand, play more frequently in groups, often outdoors. There is less talking and more activity when boys get together. A new boy is easily admitted to the group. Such attitudes are reinforced through the growing-up years.
When a woman gets married she thinks she has found an improved version of her best friend and confides in him through private talks and shares "secrets." Many of her secrets involve how to improve the marriage.
The woman feels tremendous inner satisfaction while she is talking. The husband senses real trouble, since they have to keep discussing things! Their relationship can weaken as she pushes for more intimate talks about what she feels is wrong and he tries to prevent them. One thing is for sure, males and females have very different ideas on how to communicate and become best friends.
Learn Patterns From the Past
The manner in which you speak and listen today is affected by what you learned as a child when growing up. You carefully observed how family members talked, listened, and responded. You may have observed positive patterns such as respect, directness in asking for things, and cheerfulness - and you may have observed destructive patterns, such as hostility, mind reading, silent treatment, and yelling.
You began to experiment with what would for you, and you most likely carried these same patterns with you into your marriage. You may have learned to have what you consider to be quiet, respectful discussions. But this pattern of communication may not work well with a mate who learned to settle matters through loud negotiations and arguing.
Social Conditioning
Boys and girls also learn to communicate with their peers, especially between the ages of 5 and 15. Little girls play most frequently in pairs, with a series of "best friends." The relationship between the girls is solidified by private talk and sharing of secrets. The information isn't important, but the experience of sharing it with a best friend is. Little boys, on the other hand, play more frequently in groups, often outdoors. There is less talking and more activity when boys get together. A new boy is easily admitted to the group. Such attitudes are reinforced through the growing-up years.
When a woman gets married she thinks she has found an improved version of her best friend and confides in him through private talks and shares "secrets." Many of her secrets involve how to improve the marriage.
The woman feels tremendous inner satisfaction while she is talking. The husband senses real trouble, since they have to keep discussing things! Their relationship can weaken as she pushes for more intimate talks about what she feels is wrong and he tries to prevent them. One thing is for sure, males and females have very different ideas on how to communicate and become best friends.
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